Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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