Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
