she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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