who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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