you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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