Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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