margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
You're so nebulous sometimes
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
