I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
