Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
