I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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