i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i want to swaddle you in tequila
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
