I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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