Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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