at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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