Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
