just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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