the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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