ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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