Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
