I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
