Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
