im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
