Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
