I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
