Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
