And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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