if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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