i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
