i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
