He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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