Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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