Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
