On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
