i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Can I color on your dick again?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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