i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
