I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
