There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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