make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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