I only kidnapped one of them. chill
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize