can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
