Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
