the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
