I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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