I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
