I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
