girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
