Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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