So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
