Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
