And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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