frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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