Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
