My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
