Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Houston, we have a blender
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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