I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize