Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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