I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
